


This pain could be mine

by Riventhe



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-22 05:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19661005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riventhe/pseuds/Riventhe
Summary: SPOILERS FOR SEASON THREEHis second to last thought before impact is that he's only had this car for twenty minutes, and already he's going to miss it.His last thought is that he recognizes that Camaro.Or: Some people in Hawkins, Indiana, know about alternate universes. One alternate universe, to be precise. There are others.





	This pain could be mine

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in a rush at 3am and I'm not sorry.
> 
> Again, major s3 spoilers.

There are some people in Hawkins, Indiana who know about alternate universes. Alternate universes filed with monsters, to be precise. 

i.

The gunshots are loud enough that Steve can hear them over the engine of the Toddmaster, over the sound of Robin radioing Dustin to tell him that yes, they're here.

He's halfway across the stretch of concrete before he knows what he's doing, before he catches up to his subconscious and sees a car gunning it for Nancy, who's standing her ground like she'd stood her ground two years ago in the Byers' house. He screams for Robin to get her seatbelt on and hold on, going so fast fast that the fear hasn't got time to keep up. 

That's something Steve's discovered about himself after two years of fighting monsters. If he doesn't stop, the fear can't stop him.

His second to last thought before impact is that he's only had this car for twenty minutes, and already he's going to miss it.

His last thought is that he recognizes that Camaro.

ii. 

Steve goes to Hawkins Community Pool exactly once this summer. 

Somehow, even without Dustin here, the kids con him into bringing them here for the day since Nancy and Jonathan are busy with work. He even picks up Max, sits out front as she's escorted out to the car by a stiff-necked man (and Steve's dated girls with dad like this, he knows the right move is to get out of the car and go shake his hand). Neil Hargrove's got a killer handshake, but he seems to approve of the way Steve _sir_ s him and allows Max out with her friends. 

It isn't until he's ten minutes into chatting up Becky Terrence when he gaze drifts away from him and she bites her lip that he realizes he hadn't even thought about why he'd needed to pick up Max. 

He turns to follow her gaze, the gaze of every girl aged over sixteen. 

Billy Hargrove walks like he owns the pool. Walks like he knows he's making panties wet all over the pool. Like he's in fucking slow motion and this is a goddamn movie. His gaze passes over Steve (who can tell with those ridiculous sunglasses) and he grins. Steve rolls his eyes out of his head and promises himself he's not coming back here this summer. He's got his own pool, the kids can come over.

iii.

Robin's shaking him, and it takes a whole five seconds to come back up to speed. Car crashed, kids and Nancy-- his head whips around-- safe. Shouting and gesturing at him and Robin to get over to them.

He looks from the station wagon to the Camaro. The thing usually gleams like Billy washes it once a week, now it's a wreck, smoke starting to waft out from under the bent hood. Steve thinks he can see a blond head through the smashed window, an arm that isn't as tanned as it should be. It's the first time he's laid eyes on Billy Hargrove in a month.

There isn't time to be slow, not if he wants to keep ahead of the fear. He jumps out of the car and starts to run, stopping only when Robin catches his arm. "What, did you hit your head? This way, dingus!" 

Steve has another moment where time slows down. The Camaro's right there, he can see a still figure in the driver's seat, see flames start to lick at the hood. Next to him, Robin's insistent, tugging him towards the kids. That's what they're here for, get everyone out of here. 

Billy's been taken over by the mind flayer, right? No hope left. He'd told the kids it made him do terrible shit. More than twenty people were dead. He'd tried to kill Eleven.

"Come ON, Steve. We've got to go!" 

iv.

Billy comes to Scoops Ahoy exactly once that summer. Steve's been there a month now, starting to get a handle on the job but also realizing that any good reputation he'd had is shot. Girls won't look at him when he's dressed like this. They laugh when he flirts and are always busy. Robin, band geek and social outcast that she is, finds it hilarious. If Steve had any options that got him out of here he'd take them, but he doesn't. His dad's made that clear.

He's contemplating his lack of future when the familiar voice fills the parlor. 

"What, you trade your title _King_ Steve? You a captain now?" There's amusement in Billy's tone, and Steve doesn't have to look to see the shit-eating grin he'll have all over his face. If there were time he'd rip off the hat. If there were time he'd leave and never come back. 

He straightens at the counter, opening his eyes and looking across the room to find that not even paid employment has taught Billy how to button a shirt. He's tanned like he was when he first arrived in Hawkins, wearing double denim despite the heat outside. He's been working out, Steve thinks sourly. All Steve's been doing is thinking about how much to ration himself so he doesn't get an ice cream belly.

"Welcome aboard Scoops Ahoy, where can we navigate you on the seas of flavor today?" he monotones, with a strong subtext of _go eat shit and die, Hargrove_.

Billy, however, steps right up and leans on the counter, like this whole thing is some chick's locker instead of Steve's place of work. "Well, well, well. I heard the rumors but I couldn't believe them. Steve Harrington dressed up like a five year old for a birthday picture shoot." His grin widens and he leans across the counter at Steve like he's in a zoo.

Steve isn't allowed to insult customers, even if they deserve it. 

"I can recommend the flavor of the month. Red, white, and blueberry. Deliciously patriotic." He wants to die.

Billy runs his tongue around his lips. "Sure, I'll try what you're offering, Harrington." 

He gives him some on a small plastic spoon and Billy sucks it into his mouth like it's a lollypop. "Not bad."

" _Billy._ " Interrupts a voice from the front of the store.

Steve's never seen someone's spine straighten so fast, never seen an expression turn from smug to scared before. There's a family at the shop entrance, a family that Steve can see includes Max and her dad. "Stop wasting your time here." Steve and Billy share a look. It lasts maybe half a second, but Steve can feel it draw out. He doesn't understand what he sees there, not until much later. That had been fear. Billy doesn't come back to the ice cream parlour.

v.

Steve doesn't seem him again, not properly, until it's over. Until he's the figure standing over Eleven. Until all they can hear over the dying groans of the monster is Max and Eleven weeping. Steve looks at Billy Hargrove, lying there covered in blood and bile, and he wishes he knew what to do with this pain. it doesn't feel like his, but he knows it is. 

He does what he does with all his pain. He shoves it down deep. He's fine, after all. The kids are traumatized and they need him; he's learned that being needed has got to be enough for him.

There are some people in Hawkins who know about alternate universes. AN alternate universe, to be precises. There are others.

In one of them, Steve gets dragged to the pool every day for a month. There's a heatwave in Hawkins and the kids won't put up the tiny pool at the Harrington residence. For a week Steve tries to pick up girls. But his timing seems to be off, because he can't get five minutes into a conversation before their eyes slide away over his shoulder. Billy Hargove is always in the background distracting them. Steve gives up and just has fun, hangs out with the kids at the pool.

He catches Billy's eye across the pool more than once. They hardly ever talk directly, Billy's there to save lives and Steve's there to keep Max from drowning Lucas when he compliments another girl's bathing suit, but they share looks and eyerolls and Billy licks his lips at him constantly.

In this universe Billy comes by Scoops Ahoy again a week after that first time. Neither of them mention Neil and Billy continues lounging on the counter like he owns the place. They spot Mrs. Jones, the history teacher, pass by the store one day and Billy cracks a joke and Steve finds himself laughing. Girls flock to Scoops Ahoy once they realize Billy's hanging out there sometimes and business booms. 

Steve starts to look forward to Billy showing up. 

Another week later, it's closing time and Billy's halfway through grossing Steve out by telling him about this kid that puked all over the diving board. Steve wants to hear the end of the story so he invites him to go get something to eat. Billy looks at him, and for a moment Steve thinks he's going to hit him. But he doesn't. They get pizza and Billy plays Metallica so loud Steve's ears ring even when he's back home.

Steve finds himself hanging out with Billy in places that aren't either of their workplaces. It's weird at first, like there's some residual posturing to get out of their systems before they realize they aren't in school and no one gives a shit. Billy's still an asshole, but he's also pretty cool. He's been outside Hawkins middle-of-nowhere Indiana and Steve can't help asking about California and what it's like. Billy tells him and Steve dreams of the ocean.

Max is horrified. Dustin would be if he weren't at camp. Steve isn't sure how he's going to break the news.

Summer passes. They become friends. Steve still hates his life, still hates that he has no future, but it isn't all bad anymore. It's not something he understands, (he really doesn't understand the way Robin says she likes his friend Billy, saying _friend_ like she means something else) but he's not going to question it. He figures he deserves a little fun before the world has to go ahead and ruin his life with working for his dad.

The day Dustin comes home from camp the party doesn't go to the pool and Billy doesn't come by the store. The two of them were going to check out this apparently amazing pizza place in the next town over but Billy never makes it. Steve doesn't have his number so he can't check what's up. He sits in the pizza joint for two hours and worries. He doesn't eat any pizza.

At work the next day he asks Robin to cover for him while he heads over the community pool for the start of Billy's shift. He lets himself in the back where he knows Billy will be getting ready.

It's like the last month never happened. Billy's tense and angry, sweating like he's got a fever, but when Steve's hand touches his arm it's cold like ice. He tells Steve never to talk to him again, that Steve's a fucking little prep with no future and Billy doesn't want to waste time with him. Steve shouts back something hurtful, and leaves to go back to work.

Dustin is waiting there for him, and Steve can't be upset with Dustin around, not when Dustin's upset that the party ditched him. Then there's a Russian code and _actual_ Russians under Starcourt Mall. He shoves the hurt and confusion way down deep with his hurt about Nancy and his feelings about living in Hawkins forever. It isn't until he and Robin are sitting on the floor of the theater bathroom and she asks _have you ever been in love_ and he tells her about Nancy and then pauses like there's more to add. He should add more, but he can't figure out what. She asks why he isn't in love with Nancy-- 

Steve thinks of tanned skin and untamed blond hair, he thinks of blue eyes with eyelashes so long that Steve's made fun of them more than once. He thinks of red lips and a redder tongue, quick witted and not _nice_ , not _gentle_ but funny and sometimes thoughtful. He thinks of nights where he didn't fear the future, and not because he was running too fast to avoid it. He thinks of Billy trying to be better like Steve was trying to be better. 

He slides under the stall and starts to apologize because Robin had confessed to him earlier, hadn't she? She'd said she was obsessed with him and Robin has tears in her eyes-- because she hadn't wanted Steve she'd wanted Tammy. And Tammy wasn't ever going to be there for her like Billy was and she doesn't mean to be jealous

There's a whole lot Steve suddenly realizes but can't deal with because his new best friend needs to know that she can do so much better than Tammy, who will never be a singer.

When he next thinks about Billy, Mike's telling them that the Mind Flayer has Billy and the world turns on its head. Everyone's talking at once, and Steve lets Dustin and Erica and Robin field the answers about Actual Russian Spies _No, Mike. We aren't bullshitting you_. He looks at Max and sees how devastated she looks. The fear wells up in the pit of his stomach, strong enough that he isn't sure he can outrun it.

_There has to be some way to save him, like you saved Will_ , he says. No one notices his voice shake. No one thinks anything of his hands clenching at his sides when Mike tells him they already tried and failed. No one except Robin, who tries to catch his eye. Steve looks away because he isn't okay and he needs to be right now. He needs to keep ahead of the fear. He needs the pain to locked up where it won't slow him down. The kids need him and he can't fall apart because Billy is a monster and no one knows how to save him.

The adult arrive and Steve can't think of how to say he wants to be here to save Billy. Even if there were words to explain what he'd only realized a few hours ago, he wouldn't be able to articulate them. So he goes up to cranium, or whatever the radio tower is called. He falls in love with a new car and drives her faster than he's ever driven his Beemer. 

But he can't outdrive the fear this time. He gets halfway up the hill and lets the kids out of the car. Dustin doesn't understand why he isn't getting out and Steve can't tell him. Robin, the kind of friend he's never had before, backs him up. With betrayed eyes Dustin hands over a radio and tells Steve he isn't allowed to die. Steve ruffles his hair.

He guns it back into the parking lot to find two cars in a stalemate (still not fast enough to get ahead of his fear). The station wagon is empty, but the Camaro isn't. After two months, Steve knows the hum of Billy's car engine anywhere. He speeds over to it, parking right in front of Billy and has no idea what he's going to do.

Hands clenched on the wheel, Billy doesn't look at him. Even when Steve gets out of his car and marches right up to pound on the window Billy keeps looking straight ahead at the mall entrance like he can't hear Steve shouting at him, trying to get his door open. _I know you're in there_ he says, like it's an accusation. _you fucking idiot, i know you're in there so you'd better get rid of this fucking monster_ because Steve isn't done with Billy yet. If they saved Will they can save him. 

Something must snap in Billy, or Steve gets through to him, because he gets out of the car and starts to wail on him. The bruises on Steve's ribs and face (courtesy of mother Russia) are only six hours old, so it doesn't take much to send him down. Billy's shouting back now, screaming that he warned Steve not to talk to him again. Steve can barely hear him over the pounding of his ears. 

Except between the fists, Steve can see Billy's face is wet. He gets his arms over his head, resisting a little but mostly he takes it and he whispers _Come on, Billy, please_ like it'll make a difference. 

The thing that stops Billy is the sound of a station wagon hooning out of the parking lot. Steve closes his eyes, thankful for even a sliver of eased fear. That's everyone gone, then. They're safe. It's just him and Billy left to watch that giant monster climb out the roof and go after the car. 

Billy goes quiet then, starts walking towards the mall, walks away from Steve like they weren't sitting on his Camaro last week talking about all the dumb shit they'd do if they got out of Hawkins. Steve picks himself up, catches sight of himself in the Camaro windows, and starts to laugh. He laughs like Robin did on the floor, because he can't outrun this fear anymore. Billy is a monster and they can't save him. Steve can't cry, he won't. He hasn't cried since his fourteenth birthday when his parents called to say they were extending their holiday another month since he was old enough now to look after himself.

Steve spits out blood and stumbles after Billy across the tarmac. He talks to Billy again, tells him he looks like shit, that his hair is a mess. Billy ignores him like he hadn't told Steve that he spends an hour on his hair each morning and Steve had laughed and confessed it was worth it because Billy's hair looked great. He limps after and shouts, unable to outrun his fear but trying anyway.

Until, across the car park, they hear max and Mike shouting. Three more kids appear from the side of the mall. Billy takes off after them and Steve grabs at him and shouts for the kids to run. The kids hear, they run. Billy turns and, cheeks wet with tears, headbutts him. 

Darkness.

The parking lot is empty when he comes out of his daze, but in the distance he can hear monstrous footsteps. The Mind Flayer. Getting closer. Steve drags himself back into the mall. Back to the food court. He shouts for Billy and Max and El and Mike but no one answers him. The monster gets closer, comes right back in through the roof and the fear catches hold of his chest and Steve hides rather than die, because he doesn't want to die. He has this whole shitty live ahead of him and he wants to live it. He want to do the dumb shit he and Billy had talked about.

For the first time in his life Steve knows what he wants. He wants to live. He knows it so clearly it hurts. 

He looks out across the food court, where the Mind Flayer has his back to him, and he sees Billy. And he knows he wants Billy to live.

There's no time to think or react, there's no time to notice the fear isn't holding him back, because Steve is running across the food court like he hasn't been beaten unconscious twice in the last six hours. He's surprised when fireworks start going off, but he won't let himself be distracted from the figure standing over Eleven.

He throws himself at Billy, and Billy might be stronger but Steve's got momentum and surprise and there's nothing holding him back. The tackle brings them both to the ground, leaves them with Billy holding Steve's arms in a vice grip and telling him that _this is the end, there are no more chances, he_ warned _him_

Steve leans down and presses their mouths together.

The grip on his arms freeze. Billy freezes. Steve kisses him again, trying not to see how wrecked Billy looks, and chokes out _God damn you, Hargrove_. His eyes are hot and his cheeks are wet for the first time since he realized his parents didn't need him and what Steve wanted didn't matter. _Fuck you, Billy Hargrove if you think I'm letting you go without a fight_. 

The fireworks are going off in the background, filling the place with noise so he can't hear and bursts of red and blue and white light. Steve ignores it, kisses him again, whispering Billy's name against his lips like some kind of prayer. The hand on his cheek stops him, makes him blink back tears. 

Billy's skin is tanned again. He's smiling and pulling Steve closer with a huffed _idiot_. 

This should be a moment that feels like slow motion for them. A second that feels like minutes of looking at each other's tear-streaked faces and feeling something like happiness, pressing their faces so close together their noses and teeth bump and they smile at each other for what feels like forever. 

But that doesn't happen, this isn't a movie. Billy's jaw sets and he looks over Steve's shoulder and there isn't time for anything else. Not a final kiss, not a final word, the Mind Flayer is looming over Eleven and with a roar Billy pushes himself up and into the path of the tendril meant for her. Steve can't move, can't do anything except scream an echo to billy's roar as the slow motion comes. 

It's gruesome, the way Billy recoils from each hit but leans back even stronger. The way the blood seeps through his white top. The way he takes hit after hit and still stands there with feet planted strong. 

The monster drops him and time comes back. 

Steve doesn't care about the Mind Flayer, doesn't give a shit about whether Hop and Joyce got the gate closed, the party could all need him to be there for them like the world's best babysitter but he can't bring himself to care. He crawls the handful of feet to Billy. He finds Max next to him, crouched over her brother and crying, _pleading_ with him to stay. Steve's had his face beaten in enough to know this isn't just a beating.

Billy's cheek is cold when he sets a hand against it, like his lips had been cold when he kissed him. The tan doesn't glow like it has all summer. Billy's eyes don't shine with a wicked delight like they did when Steve and he were smoking a joint. Steve leans in close anyway. Close enough that his tears can mingle with Billy's. 

_You did good_ , he says. _You're so good, Billy. I love you._

He doesn't know if Billy heard him. A moment later he's gone and Max is hysterical. Steve holds her. He holds El. For the first time since he was fourteen and his parents didn't come home, he lets the pain come out because there's too much to hold it in.

There are some people in Hawkins who know about alternate universes. There are many of them. 

In all of them, Billy Hargrove dies on the Fourth of July in Starcourt Mall.


End file.
